If you are a woman, you have likely spent not an inconsiderable amount of time wondering what is wrong with you. I am here to relieve you of this omnipresent and gnawing uncertainty to tell you that it is everything. To avoid the threat of misunderstanding let me reiterate that the place of women is in the wrong.
Browse the shelves of any decent supermarket and you will find feminine deodorising products aplenty; FemFresh intimate wipes, gentle foaming cleanser, and scented sanitary panty liners. That is because you are disgusting and inherently unclean. You will notice the absence of scrotum fragrancing powders or perfumed boxer spritzes, that is because men do not sweat between the navel and the knee.
If you watched the highly successful and critically acclaimed film ’12 Angry Men’ and read the heroising reviews and seen that it’s got a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and thought ‘hey cool anger is righteous and useful in alerting you to when your boundaries are being transgressed’, you are wrong. This is for two reasons; first of all the fact that you are reading this means that you are probably a woman – so you are almost certainly wrong. Secondly, anger is only good when men do it; like Gordon Ramsey or Piers Morgan, or any man in an action film. When women are angry, they are Nasty Women, or shrill man-haters, or your annoying mum who is not angry she is a nag.
If you have a job and you have to send emails as part of this job, you have likely had to ask someone for a favour or apologise for getting something wrong; this is embarrassing and you should stop. As illustrated in the post below, apologising and taking responsibility for the impact of your behaviour on another person is a feminine trait and should be avoided where possible. Aim to emulate the emotional bankruptcy and belligerent unawareness of the feelings of others that is championed by masculinity.
‘I seldom apologize in emails.
– Thanks for flagging!
– Good catch – I will make the updates/changes.
– Many thanks for noticing the error, [name], we will [verb].
– Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We will [verb].
Stop over-apologizing at work.’
Remember that if you are a stay at home mum you do not have a real job. You are not an entrepreneur or a project manager or a chef, you are unemployed. Raising the next generation of the human race is a trifling hobby at best. Remember to feel grateful if your male partner ‘babysits’. Say thank you by giving him a blow job.
If a man starts cooking he will do it for pay and he will be a chef and get a BBC show where he shouts at people or punches basil to release the fragrance. If you are a lady-chef you have to do cooking in a non-threatening and sexy way where you give sensual massages to raw meat and concede that eating is just ever so naughty.
If you do not work in a kitchen but you do work in an office, please remember that in order to dress professionally you must wear tailored blazers and formal LONG skirts or trousers. Men will not be expected to wear blouses or rouge or high heels because women’s clothes are rubbish and silly.
Don’t have hair anywhere below your eyelashes. If men want a beard then that is their choice. If they shave under their arms that’s cool but it’s also cool if they don’t, ditto the bush. If you are a woman, any hair below your eyelashes is revolting and if a man deigns to be chill with your hair then that means he is super dooper Good Boy and should be rewarded for being so woke. Give him a blow job.
In response to the image below, a Nike Instagram post, commentators variously responded; “This is not freedom, this is not a type of ‘I love my body’, this is bull****, shave that s***”, another internet user commented “Wtf is going on?”; “It’s disgusting,” added a third. One Instagram user sagaciously observed that “hair at womans are no-go”.
Contrastingly, the internet is reported to have responded to the YSL fragrance advert below with “He’s fit.”, and “I wonder what that perfume smells like.”
In a recent Medium article entitled “12 Mistakes Women Need To Stop Making if They Want a healthy Relationship”, Sabrina Alexis offers a heart rending expose on all of the many self-sabotaging crimes against the status quo that women are guilty of committing. I was particularly moved by the following; “It really is a shame to see how many women think it’s okay to stop working out and shaving their legs as soon as they’re in a relationship.” Such. A. Shame.
If your man has the body of an aubergine and sometimes wears pants for two days in a row that’s because he has inner confidence like you should and he is not concerned about his physical appearance because that’s vain and a bit embarrassing like you are.
If by some satanic miracle you are a man and have made it this far, please accept the flowing advice as a reward. Don’t find babies or small animals cute, only women find things cute because they are biologically programmed to care for and nurture every living thing they come into contact with whilst silently screaming inside.
Don’t tell your friends that you feel intimidated, or a bit lost, or sad. It is not relevant that suicide is the single largest killer of men under 50 because it is better to die upholding the sacred tenets of masculinity than to have girly feelings.
Never use an umbrella. Only women are fragile enough that they dissolve in a light drizzle. Real men don’t even wear Extravehicular Mobility Units in the deep vacuum of space so you have no excuse for using an umbrella.
Finally and most importantly of all, when the women in your life point out to you the things men do, remember not to take this as a compliment that these women assume you are intelligent and emotionally robust enough to engage in a conversation which does not centre you personally. Instead be sure to get super offended that they have included you, and if possible assume that when they say ‘men’ they do not mean a patriarchal society supported daily by the passive and active acts of millions, but rather that they mean specifically and only you.
Ideally, your first response should be to interrupt the woman to say; ‘WeLl nOt aLl mEn, I dOn’T dO tHaT.’ This reaction will have the double benefit of reassuring and soothing whoever is confiding in you, and will also immediately liberate them from the mental shackles they have been bound to by a lifetime of first-hand lived experience.